Monday, April 09, 2007

Lions, Shoes, Sex and Shopping

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Article Title: Lions, Shoes, Sex and Shopping
Author: Richard McCormickCategory: Dating, Men's Issues, Women's Issues
Word Count: 590
Keywords: Men, Women, Relationships, humour
Author's Email Address:
Article Source:
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'Women are mental. Discuss.'

So began a post on a discussion forum, which no doubt came from a victim of that most fiendish of things. Female logic.

It is unwise and sometimes fatal for a man to try and understand a woman. If you have a lion as a pet, it will occasionally devour the odd passing postman. It's nothing personal, it's just what lions do. There's no point trying to reason with the animal, you either accept its unfortunate habits, or get rid of it. The same principle applies to women.

I had the experience, a couple of years ago, of being surrounded by a gaggle of girls at work. Most of the time they were able to communicate normally, but every now and then, they lapsed into Girlytalk. This is completely incomprehensible to males. It's like hearing someone speak in tongues.

With the aid of an interpreter I was able to gain an insight into the strange phenomena that is the female mind. Put simply, women's heads are full of rubbish. The things that matter to them, mean nothing to normal people ( ie males ). Take shoes for example. I wear them to keep my feet warm, and two pairs is more than enough. Women love shoes, and the acquisition of them is a vital part of female existence. Imelda Marcos owned three thousand pairs. All women would own this many, if they had the money and the space to store them.

Let's move onto shopping. I, like other males, am a high speed shopper. I know what I want and how to get it. If you get in my way, prepare to be mown down by a supermarket trolley. Men shop in order to avoid starvation. With women it's a sport. They form gangs and descend on the local mall, like a pride of lions circling a wildebeest. (Funny how that lion comparison keeps popping up.) They spend the morning shopping and then they go for lunch. Then they do more shopping, before going home sporting more baggage than a pack mule, a rosy glow of satisfaction and a melted credit card. It's probably your credit card.

Men endure this bizarre behaviour because they want sex. Even here women can't resist messing about. Instead of just getting on with the act they want to be rubbed first. This is referred to as 'foreplay.' Afterwards they claim to need a cuddle. This isn't necessary for the female. She demands it in order to stop her partner from doing the thing that he wants to do most by then, which is fall asleep. Be in no doubt, it's mattress warfare.

Women may be mental, but we just don't know. (It helps if you imagine David Attenborough saying that last sentence.) Mental or not, never try to understand them. Even more important, don't try to argue. The power of the phrase 'yes, dear,' should not be underestimated.

Despite the advice given here, not one of you will do the sensible thing and refrain from women. I won't either. You may be a tad irritated, as that lion on your doorstep, snacks on another of her Majesty's mail men, but admit it, you like having it around, despite all of it's foibles. After all, it is a magnificent beast.

Next week: a treatise on water buffalo.

Richard McCormick is publisher of News-Hog, an alternative look at the day's news, sport and television
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